plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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