I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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