apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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