Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
