I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
