Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
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If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
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I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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