it's like iHOP with fire
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
