It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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