yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
