i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
