Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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