ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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