It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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