I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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