So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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