Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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