I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
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I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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