Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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