he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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