the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
