I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
