i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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