ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
