I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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