Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
