Just cropdusted the office
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
