i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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