If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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