a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
