Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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