What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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