you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Of course I have a pirate flag
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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