It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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