I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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