my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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