I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
