i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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