Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
