If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
