Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Randomize
