i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
