She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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