Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
