someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
