I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
