I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
