Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
