Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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