I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Randomize
