I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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