went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
