dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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