This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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