Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
