The maid of honor just puked.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
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I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
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i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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